Cricklewood - A Picture of Affluence

Why are there rich people and poor people? Why are some areas nicer than others? Why do poor taste and poverty itself not necessarily go together? Many writers have examined principles around the sharing of wealth and principles of economic equality but today we must examine a new and unique economic inequality thrown up by that buzzing commercial centre, Cricklewood Broadway.

The astute visitor to Cricklewood will have noticed that the station is in need of repair, that the kebab shops are a little worse for wear - with the notable exception of the Prince - and that even the Beacon Bingo is starting to look a little tired. There are however three places of business which are nothing but shiny surfaces and affluent decor - The Crown Pub; Natwest Bank and Vodafone. To this must be added the brand new addition to this triumvirate - Snappy Snaps.

Of course, no business in Cricklewood can truly be said to languish. They may frequently be uneconomic propositions but it can always be said that at least they established themselves in Cricklewood. For as long as the bailiffs can be kept from the door, the happy proprietor may luxuriate in his Cricklewood address knowing that, while he may not be in a position to afford food, his soul will always be nourished by his conversations with the ordinary Cricklewood citizen and his heart will always be energised by visions of the sweeping Broadway marching on up to Brent Cross.

However, it is indisputable that these four businesses display more of the outward signs of success than the others in our grand little town centre. This, despite the fact that Cricklewood STILL remains untwinned (partly due, it must be said, to the apathy of the visitors to this site...). Why is it that these businesses enjoy such relative success? To understand this, it is necessary to examine their history.

It was the Crown and the Natwest Bank which first exhibited the trappings of wealth. This is easy enough to understand. The Crown prospered because it is a venue for people to gather. Traditionally people gather in pubs or in churches. However, with the extraordinary pentacostalism with which St Gabriel's was infected, the local church was not longer a viable gathering place. Indeed locals are still frightened away regularly by beaming clerics and fat hollering women, jumping and clapping in indescribably horrific ways. Consequently, as a gathering place, the pub began to enjoy a monopoly with those outside the lunatic fringe. Gathering together, of course, costs money in a pub. Herein, Natwest saw a market niche which it rushed to fill by quickly establishing a branch next door. Incidentally, KFC also established a branch nearby but, in one of the worst tributes to the excesses of capitalism, has failed to maintain it. Instead, the owners merely milk it for the earnings it produces from hungry drinkers.

More of a mystery is the Vodafone branch. Why is this so affluent? The answer lies in a cultural shift. As society became more mobile-enabled, gatherings became less planned and more impromptu. In this environment, it was important for regular pub-goers to have a mobile phone to consult their friends on important matters such as whether they would like a Magners or a John Smiths when they arrived. The two markets converged and so it became an economic proposition for Vodafone to establish its Cricklewood Empire nearby the Crown.

In researching the demographics of this journal's readership, we discovered that it has an abnormally high average IQ. This is partly because of the high IQ of Cricklewood and partly because active minds require quality. We therefore expect that you will have already worked out why Snappy Snaps has chosen its place next to Vodafone and three doors down from the Crown. However, for our less gifted readers, we pose the following questions:

• When you have, using mobile technology, gathered together a group of cashed up people filled with Cricklewood personality, is it not inevitable that you would have a fun night?

• What do almost all new mobile phones include as a feature these days?

• If you are having a really terrific night and someone has a cameraphone, would you not like a record of that evening for posterity?

• If, during such a fun night, you find your phone contains a blurred photo of your own or a friend's bottom, do you not want to rush immediately to have it developed?

I know I do.

Until next time.