Flood Protection

Protecting our heritage and culture

With the tragic events of New Orleans in recent days, I am buoyed only by the fact that I know that my fellow residents in Cricklewood have not a depraved bone in their bodies. Crime is something only experienced in Cricklewood on those occasions when nearby Willesden Green residents forget themselves and cross over from Walm Lane into Chichele Road. We can therefore be relatively comfortable that widespread devastation in Cricklewood would result in an orderly withdrawal by residents, followed by a later restitution of those residents to houses looted only by the storm which led to the events.

There remain some questions though. What measures have the London Boroughs of Barnet, Brent and Camden (our triumvirate of overlords) done to prevent flooding in Cricklewood? Have these councils sat, in joint forum, and asked themselves these questions:

• Where would the home renovation plans of London be if the Cricklewood B&Q were to be closed down because of storms?
• What would be the psychological effect on thousands of old-age pensioners if the Beacon Bingo ceased to trade?
• Where would generations of children learn to snog if the Galtymore were blown over?
• What would happen if the Crown were flooded with something other than beer?
• If we have a hangover and Pedro's is not trading, would we survive?

Even a cursory examination of these questions demonstrates the urgency of need to protect Cricklewood from the events of New Orleans. We are not advocating for a wall, Gaza-style, to be erected. While many of us have entertained the idea of keeping out the rest of the world from our little corner of heaven, the fact remains that three things prevent this: our openness to outside influences, our natural curiosity (which leads us to travel) and our civilising influence on the remainder of London. We therefore embrace our openness.

We are therefore forced to the next best defence against floods - enormous pumps. These would be located at strategic sites on the Cricklewood borders including the boundary of Chichele Road and Walm Lane, the upper and lower ends of the Broadway, and around the A41. The objective would be to suck the water from Cricklewood and spray it in a wide arc in the direction of Willesden Green, Kilburn, Brent Cross, West Hampstead and so forth, as the case dictates. Tihs would marginally worsen any flooding in those areas but would not lead to any significant issues since (a) those areas don't count and (b) some of them are on high ground and therefore wouldn't flood too badly in any event. The second point underlines the need for very big pumps and a very large wide arc for spraying.

There is also the issue of security, we do not wish to prevent visitors in the normal course of events but in this situation, it may be considered appropriate to arm some residents for territorial defence. All Cricklewood residents (including Ken Livingstone) might be forced to wear an identifying mark such as a yellow star, allowing territorial defenders (or perhaps we might call them community wardens) to fire at will on those not so marked. In this way, the gangs from Willesden Green are likely to keep their distance at critical points.

As I write this, I know that the majority of Londoners reading it will be nodding their heads and murmuring to themselves something along the lines of "Sound idea! Reasonable thinking" but you will be astonished to learn that the triumvirate of overlords has yet to convene a joint council meeting even to consider the subject and they are yet to formally outline plans at all similar to these.

As with so many other things with which our newspaper and our people concern themsleves, our local representatives have let us down. Shame.