Life after Tony Blair

What will our man, Tone, get up to next? The Herald's inside scoop

According to the BBC news website, Tony Blair has begun speculating about the future of Britain under Gordon Brown's leadership. The titan of a man who has held the reigns of this grand island for so long has said he will stand down before the next election. He predicted that Gordon Brown will not try to reverse his legacy of public service reform if he becomes prime minister and insisted that the big money man, GB, backed efforts to increase choice in public services.

The Herald believes that we should have consecutive days of national mourning from now until three years after the next election to mark the passing of this statesman, national hero and downright attractive man. We are also somewhat disturbed by the likely replacement of this adonis figure with someone who, frankly, is far less attractive. GB is a great wing man for the Tone. He adds like a machine and signs off new government bond issues like a seasoned professional but, as a leader? We can't see it.

Never mind though. We can't always have the best world leader. Not when we keep winning the cricket and rugby as well. GB for a bit, someone who isn't Michael Howard for a bit (when will we know?), maybe even that lunatic Scotsman for a bit. It doesn't really matter as long as Tony's work is left unblemished.

The question that everyone is asking is where will this combination of the best of Ghandi, Winston Churchill and Nelson Mandela apply his enormous talent and strength of intellect next? Frequent readers will have probably guessed the answer. Cricklewood, of course.

The Herald has learned that Tony is planning to accept an appointment as Cricklewood commander in chief. This is a position with central government akin to the various policy czars but a bit more important and with complete autonomy and total executive power. First on the list is addressing the chronic neglect of Cricklewood by the regional axis of evil - the Councils of Brent, Barnet and Camden. For years, Cricklewood has suffered by being at the nexus of these three councils. Councillors from lesser locations look to Cricklewood with envy and say to themselves that they will teach the smug little community of Cricklewood to laugh on the other side of its face. No longer. Tony is riding in on a white horse and emblazoned on the side of that steed will be the word "Cricklewood".

We think Tony should also consider:

• introducing a new Cricklewood tube station on a new line which goes direct to Central London without stopping at lesser locations such as West Hampstead
• undergrounding the Broadway, replacing the surface with a pedestrianised parkway
• flood mitigation as previously recommended on this website
• repairing the belltower at St Gabriels and evicting the happy-clappies
• immediate immigration restrictions to maintain the charm of the area - particularly aiming at stopping New Zealanders
• walling out Willesden Green

When you are Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, what is the next step up? Cricklewood of course.