Why Cricklewood is better than Pisa
Having returned from a short holiday in Pisa and surrounding areas, I am now safely ensconced back in cosy Cricklewood and have been reflecting on why Cricklewood is better than Italy.
1. The bell tower on St Gabe's may still bear the scars of the resident fundamentalists' fire and it may not be made of stunning marble, but at least it stands up straight.
2. The waiters at Pedro's don't wear more expensive clothes than me.
3. While gorgeous blue water may seem pretty, it freaks me out to be able to see miles to the bottom. Give me Cricklewood ditch water which is opaque at a depth of two millimetres, any day.
4. Walking up towering escarpments may be good exercise but it's tiring. If there's a tricky hill in Cricklewood, we bring in the bulldozers, as God intended.
5. Fresh air is overrated. Pollution gives your lungs better immunity to cancer and disease.
6. The pasta, seafood and wine in Italy is all fabulous but try to find a plate of full English and a pint of Stella...
7. The temperature regularly rises above 32 degrees. In Cricklewood, for 95% of the year, you can comfortably wear a suit. [Note I said "comfortably" not "safely"]
8. The beaches are really rocks. This can sometimes be uncomfortable to lie on. In Brent, the Council is aware of this and supplies boxes of sand on every corner. Some believe this is to cover up the effects of long nights at the Crown. Others have outlandish theories about snow. In fact the Herald has confirmed with Council that they are really for people to use when they need an emergency beach.
9. Lines of designer boutiques and fabulous dining are fine for a while, but they can't compare to greasy spoon cafes and the Matalan superstore.
10. Everybody speaks Italian. It's quite hard and it makes you look silly to say Ciao with an English accent. In Cricklewood, you can say whatever you want.
posted by Cricklewood Chris at 9:45 am
6 Comments:
I liked this one too.
11:17 am
Why, thank you.
2:39 pm
Hello Mr Chris
I would be interested in your observations on hairstyles in Pisa and Cricklewood.
Given the comments on your blog I can only assume that you have a lovely haircut.
The real reason for writing is that I have a friend who is in desperate need of a Cricklewood makeover. Could you recommend any barbers or, heaven forbid, hairdressers specialising in the removal of 80's style slick comb-overs a la Charlie Sheen in Wall Street? Anywhere in Cricklewood, South Cricklewood (ie New Queens Park) or East Kilburn would be ideal.
Thank you in anticipation.
4:46 pm
That sounds like a horrendous problem. The social stigma must be extreme. Rest assured that there are no haircuts like that in Cricklewood or Pisa. Before coming to Cricklewood, I would recommend that your "friend" engage a tree surgeon to visit him at home. For health and safety reasons he should warn the surgeon what he/she is going to have to deal with so that he/she can mentally prepare. When the surgeon has removed the worst of it with Hedge trimmers, he should wrap his head in a black pastic bag and make his way to the hairdresser opposite Somerfield in Cricklewood Lane. He should carefully explain the situation and place himself in the artist's hands - assuming he will accept the commission.
I can't guarantee that a Cricklewood hairdresser would take this on. They are not used to dealing with this level of fashion disaster. If they refuse to operate, please ask your friend to leave the area quietly and make his way to the Cutting Crew at Willesden Green where they can at least try to integrate him into the human race - a consolation prize but a reasonably large leap forward.
5:41 pm
This sounds similar to a person who wanders the streets of Mooloolaba early some mornings. He can be seen wearing very tight lycra pants (including bump), sometimes on a bicycle and somtimes on foot. The bike encounters are scary because of the lower view, while the 'on foot' encounters can often see victims heading front on to the offender without his helmet in place - this exposes to the public in general a full view of what looks very much like the beginnings of a full blown comb-over!! What can we do about this man?
9:13 pm
Well the most obvious solution would seem to be not to hang around the back streets of Mooloolaba. Or indeed any other Australian backwater. Oh dear, that's a tautology, isn't it?
9:48 am
Post a Comment
<< Home