Bizarre Post from Australia

It is often said that an editor's life is an easy one. Never actually writing anything, just mangling everyone else's work and getting the credit for whatever good remains. However, this is unfair. As the editor of this publication, I am constantly swamped with contributions. So that you know what I have to deal with, I set out below a largely unedited one.

Another letter from "Murphy the Surfie".

Mooloolaba yesterday witnessed the scuttling of H.M.A.S. Brisbane 5kms. east of Yaroomba (as the Jabiru flies - Australias only stork) and 4kms E.S.E of Mudjimba Island. It was a splendid event watched by 500 small craft which sailed from the mouths of the Mooloolah, Maroochy and Noosa rivers at an incessant rate [what is an incessant rate?] of boats per minute, to take their positions no closer than 1km radius to prevent their suction into the vortex created when the ship went down. The many boats resembled the Dunkirk flotilla in 1940. It was an average type day at Mooloolaba - blue sky, even temp. of 20 degrees C, a cooling, slight breeze, the azure sea reflecting the suns rays.The 3370 ton destroyer (the steel cat) with her distinguished war record -Vietnam and the Gulf war, was given a ten fold explosion (38 charges) salute. Amid lots of smoke and noise she settled serenely to the ocean floor in 28 metres of water to become our newest Sunshine Coast dive site. Of course our Mitchell neighbours from Muckadilla and Mungalalla were there together with Premier Beattie (who for once had his hand on the pulse - er, plunger). [This would probably mean something if we knew who Premier Beattie was] This was not the only explosion this weekend. The beloved Coffee Club [They have clubs for coffee in Australia? I wonder how hard it is to get in? If you're not a member, can you buy coffee in some sort of off-licence or is it restricted to the clubs?] was forced to close for a few days following a gas and fire explosion after a repair man cut the wrong pipe at Augellos Pizza Cafe basement. Investigations are continuing after a man was seen leaving the premises on a tray accompanying a cappucino (with lots of chocolate). Please treat this news with the strictest confidence [so they send this to a newspaper!] as we do not want the mayor of Cricklewood and his councillors to think we may be vulnerable to a financial takeover. [I think Red Ken is focused on Paris right now and it will be some time before he focuses on Mooloolaba] This takes me to the poem of Lucrecius- On the nature of things -

So also is it with the race of men.

By schooling may achieve an equal gloss,

But the character they're born with still remains.

[Now I see it's not just Russell Crowe. All Australians seem to have a penchant for poetry in inappropriate places...]