The pound - God's own currency

The pound, or more formally the pound sterling, is the official currency unit of the United Kingdom - the world's leading kingdom and home of the world's leading queen, Queen Elizabeth II. There are other kingdoms and queens but who has really heard of them outside of a few university intellectuals and the editors of trashy magazines?

The pound is the most valuable unit of currency in the world. Its name derives from the value of a troy pound of sterling silver. It is legal currency in England and Wales and must be accepted for purchases in those countries. However in Scotland and Northern Ireland only coins are legal tender - banknotes are not. The Scots and Irish are traditional people and prefer to use notes on more of an honour system. Thus, they rely on each of their banks issuing their own banknotes which may or may not be accepted elsewhere in the nation. This can make it quite tricky for Scots to buy kebabs at Cricklewood - and rightly so.

Leaving the Scots and Irish to one side for the moment - since that is the best place for them, the Herald has become increasingly concerned at the degradation of the value of the pound. This degradation has crept up on us but has occurred nonetheless. Our readers will be shocked to hear that the value of a troy pound of sterling silver is now £48. Why can't we buy a full troy pound with our pound anymore? Furthermore, thanks to Prime Minister Edward Heath, God rest his soul, we can now only get ourselves 100 pence for our pound instead of the 240 pence we could have got at the beginning of his stewardship. This represents a worrying trend and one of many questions this news source would like to put to Gordon Brown in our next interview with him. Why, even in the last four months, the pound has slipped 9% against the US dollar. Fortunately, the value of the UK currency still far exceeds that of those revolutionary ingrates across the Atlantic but it is definitively time to stop the rot.

Gordon?