We express here who the grand old lady of Cricklewood NW2 is to us. Cricklewood is a place where all cultures, all roads, all railways (not very many tubes) and, ultimately, all consciousness meets. Even if you don't live in Cricklewood, you can now take a little bit of Cricklewood away with you.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005


I can only recommend that you always turn left here... and don't go too far. Posted by Picasa


Welcome to beautiful Cricklewood. Where dreams come true. Posted by Picasa


And when you need to stroll down a beautiful country lane... Posted by Picasa


This is where it all happens. Find the sign, find happiness. Posted by Picasa


Where do you go for a great night out? Where is one drink never enough? Where can you dance your cares away surrounded only by the beautiful people? Posted by Picasa


This is the beautiful Broadway. Note the confidence of the people, the quality of the cars, the freshness of the sky. A Cricklewood day indeed. Posted by Picasa


Cricklewood Station Posted by Picasa

Monday, August 22, 2005

Time for a Twin

After a bumpy start, the campaign to twin Cricklewood is BACK on the radar!

Having seen that we had had a hit or two from the Houses of Parliament, I knew that this little journal was having an impact but never dreamed that our campaign already had the momentum necessary to get MP support. However, our fearless MP, Sarah Teather, has shown her willingness to support right over wrong and address the inequalities she sees. I have re-posted our twinning campaign below and you will see that Sarah has kindly added her collossal political weight to the campaign.

With a bit of extra support, it will soon be the case that, like Mr Burns' campaign to become Governor, (and in the words of Lisa Simpson) our campaign will have "the momentum of a runaway freight train" and people will be asking why we (and Sarah) are so popular.

So I say again to people, look into your hearts. Search there for the truth. Ask yourself, "Do I want Cricklewood to go another 100 years without a twin?" And if you have a soul, I know you will, with me, respond by posting your support for the campaign. It's easy and simple, just go to the "Time for a Twin" post below, scroll to the bottom and click on the word "COMMENTS".

We hope soon to have a twin - the frontrunners at the moment are Place de la Concorde in Paris and Times Square in New York - and a party at the Galtymore to celebrate!

Til next time

Time for a Twin - Join our Campaign

We have some good base support here and I'm sure we're getting those bureaucrats at City Hall VERY uncomfortable! However we need more support if we are to achieve the twinning we all know Cricklewood deserves. So get on those keyboards and show your support with a comment. Email this to your friends! We all know Cricklewood is the greatest place in the world. Let's get it a little friend which it can mentor!

After considerable research including over one Yahoo! search, The Cricklewood Herald has been unable to discover any evidence that Cricklewood has ever been twinned with any other area or city in the world. The Herald thinks this is an outrageous omission.

Why have there not yet been efforts to twin towns with Cricklewood? It may be that the spirit of non-promotion that sits behind the unspoken Accord discussed in our article below ("The Mayor of Cricklewood") is responsible for this. It might be that no other city or town in the world feels qualified to put itself up as a potential twin for Cricklewood - it would certainly be presumptuous to suggest that one's town is in some way equal to Cricklewood - this is clear.

However, it is the Herald's view that the inability of potential twin towns to be as fabulous as Cricklewood should not mean that Cricklewood should not have a twin. We therefore propose, today, to commence a campaign to get Cricklewood a twin. You can join the campaign by attaching a comment to this post. At the conclusion of the campaign, we'll collate these comments and write letters to our three Councils urging them to take positive action to get us a twin. Of course it goes without saying that we will not rest until action has commenced.

In the meantime, we encourage you to include in your posts your own thoughts as to potential twins. Here are some suggestions to get you started:

  • Paris, Le Marais
  • Barcelona, the Gothic Quarter
  • New York, Manhattan
  • Sydney, Paddington

So get commenting and JOIN THE CAMPAIGN FOR A TWIN!

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Plane crashes

In which we examine the relative importance of plane crashes to the BBC and British media

August 2 - An Air France plane crashes into Canada - everyone is saved

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/4740381.stm

August 14 - A plane crashes killing 121 Cypriots

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/4150312.stm

August 16 - A plane crashes killing 160 largely French nationals

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/4156224.stm

August 2 - The BBC is wetting itself with the images, the miraculous stories and the sensation of the day. The crash is on the front page of the Metro, London's leading free newspaper.

August 14 - BBC News 24 reports on almost nothing else all day. Monday's Metro includes a full front page photo of the crash.

August 16 - Although more people have died, the crash makes it to a short article on approximately page 8 of the Metro, while there is a miniature reference to it on the BBC website front page.

It seems to us that this difference in reporting must be the result of one of three things:

(a) you can have too much of a good thing. Plane crashes are now officially boring.

(b) there weren't nearly as good pictures for the Venezuela crash; or

(c) Deep down, we still hate the French. So what if they crash.

Perhaps someone can think of some other explanation.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Taxi drivers give out condoms

Some 60,000 condoms will be available from Thursday as part of the Safe Ride Home scheme in East Sussex.

Read the full story:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/southern_counties/4139138.stm

The Herald applauds this excellent initiative. It has been initiated by boxer Chris Eubank, presumably a man who has frequently found himself fumbling about unsafely in a cab in East Sussex. Now, in thinking through this initiative, the decision to pilot it in East Sussex has clearly been a response to the levels of success which people generally have experienced with East Sussex girls. A reasonable place to start, we agree.

The project has been sponsored by Trojan condoms and Radio Cabs – the latter for distribution and the former for supply. According to Trojan, one in nine people carry an STI – presumably the figure is even higher in East Sussex. Herein lies the nub of the issue. If the initiative is aimed at reducing the incidence of STI’s, it is best to focus on areas outside of Cricklewood. Cricklewood residents are discerning and noble and have some of the lowest incidences of STIs in the western world.

If, however, the initiative is aimed at reducing the incidence of unwanted pregnancy, Cricklewood may not be such a bad spot to focus on. It is true that Cricklewood residents do not come up on the top ten list of easy pulls. We are notoriously selective but for a very important reason – we can be. We are a shatteringly attractive people widely sought after and with general appeal. This is a reflection not only of our extraordinary good looks and deep souls, but also of the lengths that other (very attractive) people (who live outside Cricklewood) will go in order to spend a night in Cricklewood. For example, after a champagne evening with Jennifer Aniston last week, she walked out the door the moment I suggested a hotel. “If you don’t care enough to take me to your home, then screw you Buddy!” she said as she stormed out – but I’m protective of my little slice of Cricklewood and I can’t have it turning into some sort of Beverley Hills overnighter.

I digress. The key here is the condom initiative. The bottom line is that there is an awful lot of really good sex going on in Cricklewood between extremely attractive people – probably more than anywhere else in the world. If we want to get condoms where they are most needed then I suggest that Durex, Cricklewood Mini-Cabs and Marlboro (for afterwards) team up to serve our own little slice of heaven.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Why Cricklewood is better than Pisa

Having returned from a short holiday in Pisa and surrounding areas, I am now safely ensconced back in cosy Cricklewood and have been reflecting on why Cricklewood is better than Italy.

1. The bell tower on St Gabe's may still bear the scars of the resident fundamentalists' fire and it may not be made of stunning marble, but at least it stands up straight.

2. The waiters at Pedro's don't wear more expensive clothes than me.

3. While gorgeous blue water may seem pretty, it freaks me out to be able to see miles to the bottom. Give me Cricklewood ditch water which is opaque at a depth of two millimetres, any day.

4. Walking up towering escarpments may be good exercise but it's tiring. If there's a tricky hill in Cricklewood, we bring in the bulldozers, as God intended.

5. Fresh air is overrated. Pollution gives your lungs better immunity to cancer and disease.

6. The pasta, seafood and wine in Italy is all fabulous but try to find a plate of full English and a pint of Stella...

7. The temperature regularly rises above 32 degrees. In Cricklewood, for 95% of the year, you can comfortably wear a suit. [Note I said "comfortably" not "safely"]

8. The beaches are really rocks. This can sometimes be uncomfortable to lie on. In Brent, the Council is aware of this and supplies boxes of sand on every corner. Some believe this is to cover up the effects of long nights at the Crown. Others have outlandish theories about snow. In fact the Herald has confirmed with Council that they are really for people to use when they need an emergency beach.

9. Lines of designer boutiques and fabulous dining are fine for a while, but they can't compare to greasy spoon cafes and the Matalan superstore.

10. Everybody speaks Italian. It's quite hard and it makes you look silly to say Ciao with an English accent. In Cricklewood, you can say whatever you want.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Plenty of Police

A massive police operation is under way in London - two weeks since the failed 21 July bombings and four since the 7 July attacks in which 56 people died.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/4744107.stm

Big black shiny boots, shiny badges, big hats, smart black suits. There were eight of them at Willesden Green this morning. Lots more at Embankment. Milling about, looking very official and making us all feel warm and cosy in a protective net of law and order. I like police. They stand about looking very much in control and I always like to think they'll help if somebody bashes me up. A bit like grown-up teachers really. Good old police. These days you see the special ones that have guns and tasers. Not like those girly countries where all the police have pistols. Here they either wrestle criminals with their bare hands or they move straight to sub machine guns. That's class.

Shopkeepers like police too. Standing about being authoritative can be boring without snacks.

Criminals don't like police but they're not supposed to. Terrorists absolutely hate police.

But I think they're fab. Let's get more, Tony! They feel good.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Bizarre Times

The IRA says it has become a group of warm and fuzzy tree-hugging pacifists. Meanwhile a new round of crazed religious freaks are trying to kill us all - but this time they get a prize - eighty virgins in heaven. The English beat the French for the Olympics. We aren't actually at war with the French but they are crashing planes into Canada.

An English Princess is doing glamour photos for Tatler and Playboy says that Big Brother contestants don't fit with their high-brow image, while Celebrity Love Island contestants do.

It's always raining and yet there is a drought. The G8 spend the year focusing on Africa while people in Niger are quietly starving. Meanwhile four hundred miles above the Earth a man has his head under the bonnet of the space shuttle, holding a portable drill and a hacksaw.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Breaking News in Cricklewood

All the latest developments from Cricklewood

Buses are running normally, shops are opening. Things are pretty much the same as always. The Broadway is a bit polluted. It's a nice sunny day. Well, dammit, what I mean to say is that there is no news and I'm too busy to be creative.

There are probably crimes that happened overnight. Go to the BBC website and read a report on a burglary or assault and pretend it says it was in Cricklewood last night and prehaps it will be roughly true.

This is lazy journalism.

Until next time.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Bizarre Post from Australia

It is often said that an editor's life is an easy one. Never actually writing anything, just mangling everyone else's work and getting the credit for whatever good remains. However, this is unfair. As the editor of this publication, I am constantly swamped with contributions. So that you know what I have to deal with, I set out below a largely unedited one.

Another letter from "Murphy the Surfie".

Mooloolaba yesterday witnessed the scuttling of H.M.A.S. Brisbane 5kms. east of Yaroomba (as the Jabiru flies - Australias only stork) and 4kms E.S.E of Mudjimba Island. It was a splendid event watched by 500 small craft which sailed from the mouths of the Mooloolah, Maroochy and Noosa rivers at an incessant rate [what is an incessant rate?] of boats per minute, to take their positions no closer than 1km radius to prevent their suction into the vortex created when the ship went down. The many boats resembled the Dunkirk flotilla in 1940. It was an average type day at Mooloolaba - blue sky, even temp. of 20 degrees C, a cooling, slight breeze, the azure sea reflecting the suns rays.The 3370 ton destroyer (the steel cat) with her distinguished war record -Vietnam and the Gulf war, was given a ten fold explosion (38 charges) salute. Amid lots of smoke and noise she settled serenely to the ocean floor in 28 metres of water to become our newest Sunshine Coast dive site. Of course our Mitchell neighbours from Muckadilla and Mungalalla were there together with Premier Beattie (who for once had his hand on the pulse - er, plunger). [This would probably mean something if we knew who Premier Beattie was] This was not the only explosion this weekend. The beloved Coffee Club [They have clubs for coffee in Australia? I wonder how hard it is to get in? If you're not a member, can you buy coffee in some sort of off-licence or is it restricted to the clubs?] was forced to close for a few days following a gas and fire explosion after a repair man cut the wrong pipe at Augellos Pizza Cafe basement. Investigations are continuing after a man was seen leaving the premises on a tray accompanying a cappucino (with lots of chocolate). Please treat this news with the strictest confidence [so they send this to a newspaper!] as we do not want the mayor of Cricklewood and his councillors to think we may be vulnerable to a financial takeover. [I think Red Ken is focused on Paris right now and it will be some time before he focuses on Mooloolaba] This takes me to the poem of Lucrecius- On the nature of things -

So also is it with the race of men.
By schooling may achieve an equal gloss,
But the character they're born with still remains.
[Now I see it's not just Russell Crowe. All Australians seem to have a penchant for poetry in inappropriate places...]